Madness and Dissent

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Picture source: http://www.ahueats.com/wp-content/uploads/2015/03/Charcuterie-and-Cheese-Board.jpg

 

“Does the mark on my face repulse you?” I hissed in a blurred passion. I was sitting across one of the most indignant creatures I had recently come into acquaintance with at the local deli. Despite having first just encountered this oaf around the corner, he was sitting, now, directly across from me in an overly crowded Mc Donalds. Perched on a barstool at one of the communal tables, the tables mind you meant for people who are more or less alone and pathetically in need of a sturdy stool in an ironically non-alcoholic beverage serving, “pussy prim,” cookie cutter establishment. Clearly, I had a rather deep seated hatred for the wretched despicable oaf. All feelings granted having just accumulated in less than two hours after having met him.

He made the unfortunate decision of slighting me; it was not only his unapologetic countenance when I politely informed him of the customary proceedings in which he was to go about ordering his meat. No! It also included his misguided insisting nature, and making a mockery of my extensive knowledge in the pairing of cheese, crackers, ham, and wines. In a few words, he made me look like a fool! The Deli was a place I had come to frequent since my move in October. Adding insult to injury, he was “a Preppy,”at least, in the way of his dress and “lifestyle.” He was one of those over groomed “sensitive” types. The sort of man (if you can describe him as such) who saw wearing an overly snug, flesh clinging, black and white striped short-sleeved shirt paired with matching extra tight sperm killing jeans and pompous designer shoes with no socks, handsomely hip. Smart (arguably by today’s lax form of standards) with handsome mannerisms that endeared him to all sorts. I am inclined to think these admirers of his false airs consisted mostly women of every caliber and little old hags willing to be easily conned by such trivialities.

Fate had fucked me over in the revolving door described as my life’s work. A life lived brimming with misery and little meaning of any exposed potential, that prick, he pranced in and shat on the small blip of meaning and purpose which resided on the tip of my existence.

Forgiveness? Forgiveness I would have gladly granted had he acknowledged his faults, but he lacked such sight and ability. Therefore, I quickly came to the decision like any thrifty spender; I could simply not afford the cost.

The thought of his insincerity draped in narcissism that purveyed his entire morally murky character caused me to convulse inwardly with the urge to rid the world of such a wretch. An expulsion, necessary, and deemed by my divine sense of justice.

You see why…. don’t you? Power is an illusion created by establishments of law to control the uncontrollable, the “actions” and inherently the feelings of the individual a trickling stream to the pond, society. It is the individual who in all sanity should correctly carry out his justices. lags, Bureaucracy lingers, deliberates, its cogs stuffed with greed the corruption of a mental capacity. I carry out my law like the Everyman. Yes, it is “Everyman” that carries out this daily practice, all around us, my concept, is not new, and I would never pretend myself capable of any revolutionary ideas.

“Swift be my Blade. Swift be my justice. Swiftly be instrumental in correcting the deluded brute that denied me the little knowledge of which I was entitled.”

My fries are cold.

“Shit.”

The big MC D. is cheap, convenient, and dead fucking cold.

The burger and fries are of no purpose to me now. Cold, “hot food”, especially of the chemically derived and enhanced variety are utterly repulsive, and the ability to attempt in digesting this already vile concoction just will not occur. I can’t eat it. I won’t eat it. A Wasteful carelessness, someone is hungry, am I to discard this out of petty dietary preference?

“Fuck me!”…… waste.

“Waste not…. want not, waste not want more…… or something else?”

Distraction! Focus is needed.

He is sitting across from me with that lurid and deceptively submissive grin. An act countering little persuasion to his cause and way of mind. There was nothing to dissuade me from my purpose. He has wronged me; it is now a simple case of cause and effect.

I will say something to him to knock that deluded smile off balance!

“Does the mark on my face repulse you?”

Ha! Success!! He looks rather shocked and confused. Perhaps, he does not understand I am speaking to him. Continuing to look a bit “out of sorts”.

“You, you from the Deli around the corner” This I said snarlingly and more assertive than I had thought possible.

“Does this disgusting thing on my face vex and repulse you?” Really? He is looking directly at me…. at least that ridiculous grin has been erased from that face. I find his vapidness to be even more infuriating than that stupid smile. Maybe the little shit is less capable than the bestowed esteem I had so graciously given in earlier thought.

“What’s on your face, man?” Blank stare. So Stupid.
Finally. He has realized the undeniable direction of my now, somehow, less impactful introduction to conflict. So “chill” and lighthearted a counter. Just as I had cogitated, pathologically incapable of any form of sincerity. This undesirable trait probably was not the poor devils doing….. that was indeed a societal problem. Unfortunate.Yes. Truly. His past is of little importance to any person with such an empty portrayal of happiness.

He was mine to corrupt and defile. Happy no longer!

A Reversal in Frame and State

Hectic and busy is my life in total summation, very little time left to leisure. I have exactly thirty minutes before I return to my bosses side like the loyal assistant that I am.

I really need my job; my partner lost his last month. The one salary household hurts if you want to live well and boy….. do we need to live well…. organic cost $$$. I simply can’t and won’t be telling Jake about my little excursion to the dreaded Mc Donalds we so ( at least publicly) disapprove. A Big Mac Large Menu, yes, absolutely dreadful, but I am genetically skinny and work out so “no problemo”. On second thought, I might not take my tank off tonight, make sure all is good and digested. Would not want to show any sign of the case of temporary gut or bloating from the foreign processed “nourishment” now consumed.

Practically finished without a trace. Chemicals can be good for you at least sometimes…., right? Hell, I literally grew up in a Burger King and lived to talk about it, escaped with insignificant defects. Happening to look up from my commercially colorful I see the man I had seen just an hour or so ago.

What a character! Ranting on and on about cheese and wine, he wouldn’t stop for a breadth, the poor guy. Initially, I thought he was a type of sale representative because of the way he went on and on about produce. I even tried to explain to him that although what he was saying was fascinating, there was little I could do to change the order, it was not mine to change. A simple errand for my boss had turned into a bit of a comical errand of an unconventional inconvenience.

“I am so telling this tonight!” I plan on sharing this with Jake tonight when he gets home from his dance class. After the torture inflicted as bi-product of his art, he always appreciates my outlandish tales, and there are so many. He also needs as much distraction since losing his job after a broken ankle last year. That injury practically turned him from a “promising talent” to an unhireable, overnight.
At the thought of his amusement and the sarcastic commentary he unfailingly delivers, I can feel a small sarcastic smile beginning to emerge.
This smile, I realize, is now mistakenly directed towards the troubled man from the deli. My carelessness has the potential of igniting another mini tantrum.

He is already staring at me. Surprisingly he is not bad looking, relatively young mid-thirties, sporting a boring, dusty brown mane of hair growing recklessly in a shag (desperately needing affection), a pair of handsome trendy black spectacles…. That’s it! Yeah…. It’s unquestionably his eyes that are so disturbing and prominent. Black and bottomless are his eyes. No better word of description other than disturbed.

Odd. Why was he wearing a black trenchcoat in such mild weather, it’s early spring? I hadn’t actually taken him in for any real assessment in the sense of character in our previous bizarre encounter. What an oddball.
I might not be able to stop myself from IM-ing Jake right now! With my fingers tingling with impatience, the action is almost irresistible.

“Does the mark on my face repulse you?” It seems the question he is asking is directed towards me or am I mistaken?

What? He does recognize me?…. I don’t think I heard him correctly…. It is obvious that he is still agitated, must be residual anger from the deli.

I should have skipped lunch….

“You, You from the deli around the corner!” His octave and mannerisms express a steady increase in hostility.

“Does this disgusting thing on my face vex and repulse you?”

I concentrated on his face as best as I could without being too obvious. There is nothing out of the ordinary on his face that jumps out as odd other than those terribly round black marbles for eyes.

“What’s on your face, man?” Wow. Now I’ve digressed to Bohemian colloquialisms. I don’t partake in conflict. That’s why Jake is perfect.

I am beginning to worry. I think Hollow eyes…. he followed me here….

 

 

Next: Plummeting Further and Farther than…..

 

The Abyss of OBSESSION

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His obsession with the woman in the flat below him was perverse and laced with malice in its consumption, a black pit of growing madness deep within the very bowels of a very twisted mind. If he was to be honest with himself, it had indeed begun when he had first encountered her in the stairwell last year. The festering feelings frothing from deep within him continued to be effectively disregarded as nothing but the usual male driven passions that had motivated his long past younger years. From youth, he was very much removed, these years, they had not been kind to him, and he was glad time had made them a part of history.

He remained unable to sleep soundly since the stirring of such abruptly strong feelings had begun. When he closed his eyes; she was there standing in front of him with all the love and compassion in a world that had denied him such feelings. She was un reve, an apparition of fancy, and of no substance, at least in his opinion no woman was of any real substance. He could not caress his vision of perfection. This cruel thing unproduced, for him, was infuriating, unjust, and he would do everything within his grasp to possess the thing that according to him was his to possess.

He would devour and destroy her world, even if it meant death.

Living in Fear and Isolation

On the daily, I live a life of constant fear. Not living in fear of illness or death, these are things concrete to the workings of life.
My fears began in childhood and continued to develop and progress in my early teens. My focus today are my teen years, it is my belief that these years are quite relevant and play a pivotal role in my current state.

Since middle school, I have been targeted by older men who have the notion that it is ok to approach a young female, invading her space by stroking and touching her, and propositioning her for lude (perverse) sexual acts. If this had a occurred once or twice I would quickly brush it off as random. However, this has happened too many times. Sometimes I have been stalked in supermarkets, stores, movie theaters, etc. The list has grown over the years. As a result, I try to avoid these situations altogether. Combined with other complicated factors from life, I find myself completely withdrawn from the world. I have made many attempts to “reintegrate”, but the same thing continues to happen. I am unable to start no less, sustain friendships of any caliber, and every attempt at dating results in increasingly bizarre sexual requests.

It’s like” being put off your supper”. A loss of appetite. I simply can’t stomach the idea of trying anymore. Over half of my life is gone…. wasted by trivialities that I have no control over. It’s a horrible frustration one goes through when you find complacency and comfort in misery. Isolation, unless you lack fundamental elements of human emotion, is deafening. It is slowly killing and consuming my soul no matter how many distractions and “projects” I undertake.

To make matter worse (if possible) my computer and cellphone continue to be hacked. I have received messages on my computer along with someone logging and setting up a new login and password remotely. Changing my Blavatar on this blog and as of yesterday remotely turning off my computer with a personalized message. So the attacks have now invaded what was a place I considered “safe”. Of course I write down everything as it happens (as well as pictures) but now I have had to resort to counter spy methods. A couple of weeks ago I captured an outing in which I needed to send a parcel and was stared down by random men (young and old) in an obvious attempt to intimidate. I feel that every time I leave my apartment I am being watched. Yes, I realize how absurd this all sounds, that anyone no less a large group of “rational” people would do this to one (meager) individual.

This continues to be my very unpleasant reality. In a constant limbo of “Well, I hope things get better”. Nope.

Instead of making another absurd post about all this cray cray…. as of 7:42pm 1/29/2016 my computer was again remotely manipulated. Really funny…… Bravo. Again…. If someone has a problem you know where to find me.

 

Eye of MIND

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Picture Source: doobybrain.com

I or it am more than just a reflection. I or it am a person or thing just beyond a face and body. Deeper in thought than just a surface. What lurks beneath the shrouds that purvey the deep drought of mind? Who is the being in the shadow within shadows? The deflector and embodiment of myth that again slips between the realms of various realities. The soulless, empty, hole that holds and binds the darkness of human intent. Is it a pure intent? This deceitful shroud that cloaks all so that no ray of light can shine through the weaknesses and cracks? To be invisible, and yet, the world knows that you or purpose, in essence, exist to a degree still unknown. In many ways, a myth in your own retreated solace created by the divinity of minds eyes. An encapsulated bounty of thought building realms of excursion and escape. To build is to indeed hide, but to hide is to die defeating minds purpose entirely. This is the very objective of this shroud of infinite evolution. To build and to burn a worlds created in its enclosed space makes way for the new way of thought. The birth of nations, of empires, of worlds of infinite design, constricted only by constraints that are forever internal and will never be realized in an external world that is completely unaware nor cares that it exists. This invisible “thing” brings about the reason of beauty for it is rare because it only has one place of residence. It or I will forever lurk in recesses, in shadows, in the glint inside a crevice of minds eye. It is indeed a thing of myths.

The Man in the Mirror: A (very short) Short Story.

Nevil stood in his foyer in total wonderment. He was standing directly in front of his prized 18th-century antique mirror he’d won at auction. This recently acquired item of prestige was for him a crown on his already ridiculous inventory of gaudy relics. Currently engrossed in the study of his now heavily lined visage he inched even closer, thus furrowing his brow producing, even more, unsightly wrinkles. His once minimally blemished alabaster complexion consisted of a bruised red and purplish hue. This intrusion of thought of his mortality forced him to display an even more, pronounced and exaggerated grimace. Realizing the rapidly slipping value of his already limited facade, Nevil began fixating all of his attention to the current welfare of his nose. He had always had a higher opinion of this feature as he thought he had a rather grand nose, a strong, handsome, well-proportioned nose. “A good strong nose” Nevil thought “defined the man.” Unfortunately, after that rather unfortunate incident with a croquet mallet two springs ago it had lost all its existing character. At this unpleasant memory, he shuddered, which loosened his facial muscles enabling him to inspect further the condition of his eyes. “Good Heavens!” he exclaimed, uttering the first words of the morning. Apparently what was supposed to be the whites of his eyes, were now as gold as the embossed engravings on his treasured mirror, angry deep red veins added to the combination. Not to mention the large bags of drooping flesh for eyelids and the radically high grey eyebrows that adorned them. He was utterly horrified at the summation of his face. Before he took his leave, he scoffed “I could have just kept the cheap reproduction….. I have the same appearance in this one as I did the old.”

In the Dark

She closed her eyes for a moment as she stood in front of the large metal door leading out to her garage. She found herself lost in deep reflection. It’s been a habitual practice since she had recently decided to reject this way of mind as any derivative of a prayer. Prayers in her experience had become a wishlist. Continuously finding herself always wishing. It had always been her definition of conversation with her God. A conversation in her observation that was dysfunctional because of its selfish one-sided nature in dialogue. Wishing, she had come to reason, was a demand on her faith system, it thwarted in some way her ability for action. So now she reflects.  Closing her eyes and envisioning how she sees her past and her future. This brief pause she had discovered enabled her focus not only on the important things occurring in her present, but it put everything else in focus, thus increasing her ability for detached perspective. In totality, she found the real meaning of what it means to pray.  Opening her weighted downcast eyes, she prepared herself to open the door.

 

 

Face to Face with Racists: Playing the Racial Double Agent Card

As a Black female, I have a question. When have you come to the realization that you are  talking to someone who is obviously a covert racist? Listening to the snide remarks and regurgitating all the racist jargon you’ve heard over the years? It’s been my experience that when this person has a sense that you have similar views, a spark and a glee ignites in their entire demeanor. An act of validation.

I am always curious as to how Arians view us in this “mixed salad” culture known as todays modern society. Everything is so “PC” that it becomes almost impossible to know where you stand with some people including yourself.

While confronting these questions and issues, it takes a  toll internally. It is a bit devastating and challenging to describe, it’s a feeling of wanting to crawl under a rock. It’s the same feeling of a knotted stomach from bad nerves. You walk away degraded, feeling lesser than, and a bit of a traitor.

I think I get the overall picture now. My days of playing undercover are over.

If you have a problem with the FRO there’s the DO-!

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Fighting the battle of the the Puff. From really long frizzy curls as a kid to the destruction of chemical straightening.  It’s been a long conflict….. It’s just a different hair texture. I happen to love Afros. I remember seeing pictures from the 70’s longing for a nice thick Afro…. then I realized…. I could just grow one. Duh. So I big chopped and haven’t looked back (too late anyway).

 

The Perspectives of White Bigotry

0f15ce3821988aca4b41c8ea303d3f36“By God let the Bigots speak!” If you continue to silence a large group of individuals with misplaced anger, like everything else, it simmers at it’s core until it breaks surface and erupts. Never suppress what you do not want to hear or things that offend. When you stop listening you invite ignorance directly in front of your door. LISTEN. To the misguided trenches of society. Their misguided hateful projections (when surfaced) will try to blindside you, knocking you off balance. The silent undercover Bigot is the problem today. In the past we knew exactly where these people stood. Now in our politically correct society they talk through gritted teeth and fake bleached smiles.

 

What it (really) means to be BLACK

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Tackling the subject of racism is a difficult subject to tackle in one posting. I will state however, that it has only been this past year that I have not actually addressed these questions. Mostly because I was raised alienated from my race. Not that I did not know anyone that was black, but completely ignorant of the understanding of the outside and internal workings and struggles. Constantly being told there is something wrong with the texture of your hair and the color of your   (which I did not fully comprehend the intensity of the hatred ). One example that escaped me was when I frequented a white national hair salon (went there for years btw.), and she told me she was grateful I had a relaxer because if not my hair was a “problem”.

Don’t get me wrong, I know the history of slavery, the rampant hatred…. However, it is an entirely isolated view and not shared. Completely immersed in “white” society. Unknowingly raised with an undercurrent of self-loathing that was passed on from someone who experienced a life of segregation and fighting for approval. Having been raised by someone had experienced such hatred, they adopted the dislike for their race. The structural purpose of racism mainly aims to create rifts from all directions of society. I have also learned that it means to destroy ourselves from within our group. Implant self-hatred and it can only grow outward.

At first, it was necessary that I pose myself some tough questions. For example, Why is it that I  continue to straighten my hair? I don’t like it like this (straight). So I soul searched, all the way down to the roots. I was disassociating myself from my race. Not by premeditation but pathologically/ blindly. To be clear that is not everyone’s reason, I don’t speak for every individual.Hearing horrible things about your race hits deep and with no commonality to share that pain and outrage are difficult.

Whites don’t (seem) to understand. At least, the conversations I have had they seem completely clueless to the plight. When talking to certain family members, I am met with hostility and rejection. So I am becoming to come to the slow realization that this is how racism looks. It is an extreme rift within our race filled with a deep sorrow and need to find a sense belonging. It is my belief that we are a people still searching with our hands outstretched, looking for the light.

 

(All will be further discussed in detail via Podcast)

The many things I have experienced:

  •  “I love little colored children”
  • “You’re nothing but a nigger”
  • “It’s because she’s BLACK”
  • “It’s time someone showed her….” (in reference to rape)
  • “She’s cute…. but her hair….”
  • “You turned out darker than we thought you would.”
  • “You are so STUPID” (constantly trying to enforce)
  • “Maybe you’re not feeling well because you feel you need to perform well in school” (What!!!???)
  • “Go back where you came from!” (You dragged me here…. remember?)
  • Pulling down my pants and holding me down to see if we have the same “parts”.
  • Being targeted and not having the support of your own group of people. Simply because you are ignorant that it really exists.
  • “We don’t want to play with you!”… “But we will take your gifts!”
  • Being taught  there is something wrong with your skin and hair by family.
  • Self Hatred.
  • Growth as a Whole Person
  • Rejecting the Doctrine
  • Learning to accept and love yourself as well as the people that share your colored suit.
  • Understanding and Forgiving. A struggle. Constant Struggle.
  • Reprogramming the Brainwashing